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“I Threw The Socks Away” | Coping with Losing My Little Sister

“I Threw The Socks Away” | Coping with Losing My Little Sister

I never planned on sharing this with anyone. This poem is me pouring out my raw, unfiltered thoughts I wrote to myself after losing my best friend in September 2019. So why am I sharing it now? So many are dealing with loss during this crisis with COVID-19 and I want to let everyone know I see you. I’ve been there. It hasn’t even been a year yet for me but some days are just as raw as the moment I got the news that my little sister was gone. I see you. I feel your pain. You are not alone.

You can read the poem below. 

“I Threw The Socks Away”

It’s been 2 weeks.
2 weeks since we said our official “goodbye”
And though I’ve finally dried
My eyes
I’m just dead inside.

There is no me without you
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to live
Without my
Little sister.

I was getting rid
of my stuff,
Clearing out all the junk,
When I came across
A pair of socks.
It was a pair we bought together when we last did yoga,
When I came to visit you,
When we secret shopped.
And I stopped.
And I thought For a second that I could hear you again.

I could see your touch.
I could feel the warmth of your laugh.
I just knew
You would walk through that door.

But I saw you in that casket
So I know that’s it.
That’s the end of our adventures,
There won’t be any more.

I threw the socks away.

I’ve been trying to throw away
How I feel about you.
I’ve been trying to throw away
The pain,
The suffering,
The fleeting suicidal thoughts,
I can’t!
So I threw away those socks.

Well,
First I rubbed them,
I caressed them,
I moved my fingers down the bumps
As if I could conjure you back through my memories.

Of course it didn’t work,
So I threw them away.

Everyday it really does get a little easier.
Maybe because I’ve distanced myself from all our mutual friends,
Maybe because I keep being told that I’ll see you again,
Maybe because I know that’s what you would want for me,

To keep being happy,
To conquer my dreams.

Maybe that’s what keeps me going,
Even through the sleepless nights,
Even though my only energy is coffee and tea now,
Even though I’m always tired inside and out and I don’t know how I’m still standing
But I’m here.

Because I carry your heart
And, I don’t know how I’ll make it,
But I know I’ll be okay,
I threw away those socks
But I think about you all the time, Desirae.

 

 

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